8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
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