When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Randomize
