dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Don't make out with my wife yet
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
