I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
