The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
