you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
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dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
She bit a glass in half.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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