Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
