There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
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