saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
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