Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
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Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
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