So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Randomize
