I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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