We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
