I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
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He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
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She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
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