You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful