Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
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You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
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He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.