how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
I deserve this hangover.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
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