I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
