There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize