I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means