and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.