Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
Just 30 Funny Tumblr Posts About Starbucks
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
18 People Are Kind Of A**holes But Also Completely Hilarious
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.