I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
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So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
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I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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