He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
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I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
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As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
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