god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
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