i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
Randomize
