I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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