then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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