Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
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