Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Randomize