i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Randomize
