I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
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I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
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He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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