I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
19 Of The Most Epic “I Quit’ Stories Ever
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
25 People Reveal The Creepiest Kids They Went to School With
He's a Shit stain on my heart
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis