But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.