I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
Houston, we have a squirter
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.