just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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