I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Randomize
