Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
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