did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
