He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
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Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
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Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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