Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Randomize
