Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Rumble strips road head = magical
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
Randomize
