I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Randomize
