I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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