dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
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I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
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I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
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