I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Randomize
