In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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