Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem