ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow