12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
