I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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