opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
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My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
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You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.