...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
