News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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