FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
23 People Confess Why They Don’t Talk To Their Best Friend Anymore
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
These 17 Delivery Dudes Suck At Their Jobs But Are Winning At Life
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.