im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship